Today, I was happy. It was good. But then something happened, and I wasn't? For being myself, I don't follow my emotions well. It is miserable.



If there is another kids Christmas pageant commercial.... I just don't know what I will do.

Sometimes, I feel very angry about being an American. We just care about so many petty things. The cars are too big. Look at these South Korean children, they are collecting money for the needy. I hardly see American kids this passionate about anything besides something for themselves. I am generalizing, yes, but its true a lot of time.




I just want people to care more. Just a little. Today I learned that there were 44 homeless youth last month in downtown Nashville. That is a lot of youth. Too many.

I can be brave enough to go to college far away. I will leave.


And there is nothing wrong with cutting relations with those that are crazy. It's healthy. It's the right thing to do--even if it is not normal.

I remember where I sat at lunch in the eighth grade. I remember looking over at the table beside mine, and walking across the lunch room to talk to Hailey. I don't really care to remember that though. Nor do I have anyone that I'd want to call "most memorable" in the senior class of Hume-Fogg. I don't feel that anyone has done anything worth remembering. Those that I want to remember, I will, and we will keep in touch, I'm sure.

I feel badly for saying that, but what's it going to matter in a year, no one is going to care. I hope that is true, because I am counting on that.

I can wait for two thirds of a year to pass. Then I will take my life off hold. I'd rather not. But Waffle House with de grits... high five is worth remembering. Even if family is committed to care, it's better than econ. I don't know what it is or what to do, and I do care. But I'll just wait, because then I can do whatever it is that is right.

I'm just so angry, and I can't listen to my music. Damn inconsideration.
Plus, I make rational decisions--always.

What the hell is wrong with all these people?

House

You can't be angry with God without believing in Him too.

Planes

There was a plane crash in South Carolina this morning. Before today, I looked at plane crash history, and I read that all the most recent plane crashes happened in other countries, that is of course until today. I don't really like planes at all, and I don't really know how flying to other states by myself is going to work out. I'm also not sure to whom I will worry about this.

Procrastination

It's just better for me to get things done. Or I just don't have anything better to do, because no one calls me back, typical.


Also, I appreciate that my computer has spell check on the internet, that's good for me.

Much Changed

I still would like someone to talk to.

And I would still like people to get out, experience something. I would like that very much. I feel slightly responsible for the lack of knowledge of my peers. It makes me angry though, because they don't want anymore.

Also, I am checking out. I'm completely okay with that too, because the truth is that I'm not checking out at all, I'm figuring this out, this life that I've been taught. I'm making it my own, and I don't understand why that's so wrong?

So here's what I've learned: I'll never be the one who knows what's going on.

Or actually, I feel like I can't even properly word a sentence. I know that I want someone who is passionate about change--social change maybe? Perhaps the same thing I'm passionate about. I need them to be their own person. I need them to be okay without me but still be so happy about us. I need them not to be desperate. I can't deal. I just can't. I need them to be able to focus on their purpose, their passion. I need them to know they have a passion and purpose. Maybe not put it first, but a very close second, or a tie.

So much pressure makes me nervous. Unable to handle life. I just can't function. As good as I thought things were, I'm sure now that it isn't the right thing.

At Work

I hate wasting time. Though sometimes it's my chosen activity, it is not when I'm anywhere buit my house.

CommunityNashville, and the world for that matter, has taught me a great deal lately. I have learned that majoirty of my peers and friends at home (though I'm only 15 miles away) are so confined and they don't even know it. I mean, most of my friends have never spent any lenght of time outside of Hermitage or Mt.Juliet, two small suburban communties. And even within those places, they don't really associate with kids that don't attend our baptist church.

As I somewhat listen in on the conversation occuring 4 yards from me, I wonder if a world without bias, bigotry, and racism is possible. I'm not sure I think it is.

I'm also not sure that I think the Bible is all it's said to be...

I'm also pretty sure I support gay rights.

This is what I've learned. It hasn't been a complete waste.

Courage

Hell. I don't know what gives someone courage. I don't know what makes people brave. But God, I had it Tuesday.

Maybe it was for me? Maybe it was everything I felt like my father-ex had control of. Maybe it was to make people proud. I have no idea, but I went over to the house, and I got my yearbooks. I got those damn yearbooks I've wanted for so long. I did it. All by myself.

And I said things that I had only dreamed of saying. I told him not to touch me. I told him I didn't think he deserved my respect. I told him that. He was standing right in front of me, and I said that! He tried to talk about the past year and ask what had happened. He tried to say something about my mom. I stopped him. I set things straight. I told him it was our choice to leave and not come back. I told him all those things. I don't know where I got so brave. All the years that my yearbooks symbolize. Maybe I wanted that time back. But God, I did it. I really did. It happened.

My little brother, age 14 years, just landed his first job. (With the help of my mother and me) Regardless, he's being responsible. I respect that to such a great degree. I am so happy for him. So proud.

Also, I hate bugs in my room.

Also, I want my damn year books from my father's damn house.

My summer is planned to the max. Every day, work or college something. I'm going to visit 5 this summer. The five on my list. There is one more in North Carolina, however it is far and expensive. I am ready for life to move! That's the difference between my life long friends and me. I'm ready to go, I'm ready to plan my future. Also, I can't wait to plan. If I wait to long, it will be too late. I must start now! There is no more later. Later is college attending. I am at now. My later is now.

I think Quite Possibly

The greatest thing is that I've found my passion. I know what I love and I want to do it all the time. The funny thing is the irony. How when I was a kid, my mom tried to comfort me by telling me that maybe I would be good at helping people. I didn't want to accept such a ridiculous answer. I wasn't going to--until now. I accept it now. I love it now.

That's what I do, it's what I love. Helping people. I want to do it all the time. I want to learn about people. Hear their stories. Listen.

That's it, I want to know what hurts them, what makes them happy. I want to meet people different than me. I want to talk about what they think, what they believe. I want to debate (though often times, recently, I'm a bit insecure about what I believe.) I want to know what other people love. It's not a sport, and it doesn't get a lot of recognition, but it's my thing, it's my passion. And I know that. And that's great.

Revelations and Incorrect Statements

When I went to the NHS induction Thursday, Ms. Enterline was the speaker. I never had her as a teacher, but I was supposed to. If she would have stayed, maybe I would have taken creative writing? Regardless, he speech was beautiful. Perhaps it was very typical, but I was still enlightened. (The same enlightened as babies discovering toes.) The truth is that they always had toes, since they were born, but the reality is that they never knew it.

She said the truth is that truth doesn't exist. In middle school I had a huge fight with Spencer Ashmun on the same topic. He said everyone had their own reality and I didn't agree. Now, I understand. After reading and learning about Vietnam, and hearing Enterline's speech, I believe it. It doesn't matter what the truth may or may not be, the reality is people believe what's true to them.


Also, what else, I haven't researched enough, but I think God has changed. I think he's had to because people change. The human race is nothing like it was centuries ago. The Old Testament isn't the same as the New. God had to change his relation status with humans--going from God, to Jesus, to the Holy Spirit. It seems only logical that He has changed to some degree.

Also, I should note some years ago, I had a huge fight/discussion with my uncle about whether or not God has changed. He said God has, I said He hasn't. I should apologize for that.

I should find someone to talk to about this.

As I was sitting at the vet yesterday, I decided that it is completely true that a person's pet resembles them. This little, round, old lady had a brown puffy little dog named Rosie. The man sitting next to her was gray-haired and owned a younger boxer-like dog named Elvis. The old grandfatherly man sitting beside me had an older white small curly haired dog, I never caught it's name... If I had pictures it would be better. I guess I look like Zorro.

Also, flirtation never stops. No matter how old. Women will flirt to get what they want, and men will most-likely give it to them.

I've reached my teen-age crisis. As I spend majority of my time with my boy, Blake, and least of my time with the life long friends, Miranda, Kels, and Isaac, I have either been brain washed or had enough time to grow. Because I sat and played one of the five board games that we always play I realized that we were at the climax of these kids. These kids I have spent my life with are nothing more than games. There is no depth to them.

I am crushed.

I want to have a deep conversation, or at least talk about kissing. My gosh... They don't show any desire to change either, it's like they want to play games for the rest of their lifes.

I only feel most inspired to write following a reading of Post Secret. I feel like I have nothing to say until I read all of the things that people I don't even know have to say. I don't even remember things that I have said. I don't even know what to say.

But I can always mention my cat. Most recently he has decided it is best for him to make his presence undeniably known... in the very center of my work.

I'm afraid that mixed families are the most difficult with which to deal. Sometimes my step-family is the most embarrassing and other times they are teach me the most, and I get along with them better than my real family. I often wonder if my mom is satisfied with her choice.

I realized the other day that Jesus was able to have compassion for people to such a great degree because He knew the whole story. This has changed the outlook of my day-to-day life. For instance, now when driving, I attempt to refrain from yelling at the driver in front, beside, or behind me, that is doing something inconsiderate or seemingly stupid. Or perhaps when I think of a person who can make me crazy sometimes because of their persistent annoyance, I pause and wonder what could have possibly caused it. You see, if I think this way all the time, I would be nice. But I don't think this way all the time, and for that I am very sorry.

I also don't understand why, as a seventeen-year-old, that I can't know "love". I question my own self, as to whether I know what I am thinking or saying when I say that word. It is a strong word, but why can't I know the power of it?
And this seems like the right argument until I acknowledge that I could be wrong.

Snow Running

I ran to Blake's house. Me and Kenly. It was great. The snow was falling. It wasn't even cold.
The plan was for Blake to drive us back home... His parents had the cars. Mom had to know. We called her. She didn't speak to me. Then, when she arrived, we laughed about it. Awesome, right?