Courage

Hell. I don't know what gives someone courage. I don't know what makes people brave. But God, I had it Tuesday.

Maybe it was for me? Maybe it was everything I felt like my father-ex had control of. Maybe it was to make people proud. I have no idea, but I went over to the house, and I got my yearbooks. I got those damn yearbooks I've wanted for so long. I did it. All by myself.

And I said things that I had only dreamed of saying. I told him not to touch me. I told him I didn't think he deserved my respect. I told him that. He was standing right in front of me, and I said that! He tried to talk about the past year and ask what had happened. He tried to say something about my mom. I stopped him. I set things straight. I told him it was our choice to leave and not come back. I told him all those things. I don't know where I got so brave. All the years that my yearbooks symbolize. Maybe I wanted that time back. But God, I did it. I really did. It happened.

My little brother, age 14 years, just landed his first job. (With the help of my mother and me) Regardless, he's being responsible. I respect that to such a great degree. I am so happy for him. So proud.

Also, I hate bugs in my room.

Also, I want my damn year books from my father's damn house.

My summer is planned to the max. Every day, work or college something. I'm going to visit 5 this summer. The five on my list. There is one more in North Carolina, however it is far and expensive. I am ready for life to move! That's the difference between my life long friends and me. I'm ready to go, I'm ready to plan my future. Also, I can't wait to plan. If I wait to long, it will be too late. I must start now! There is no more later. Later is college attending. I am at now. My later is now.

I think Quite Possibly

The greatest thing is that I've found my passion. I know what I love and I want to do it all the time. The funny thing is the irony. How when I was a kid, my mom tried to comfort me by telling me that maybe I would be good at helping people. I didn't want to accept such a ridiculous answer. I wasn't going to--until now. I accept it now. I love it now.

That's what I do, it's what I love. Helping people. I want to do it all the time. I want to learn about people. Hear their stories. Listen.

That's it, I want to know what hurts them, what makes them happy. I want to meet people different than me. I want to talk about what they think, what they believe. I want to debate (though often times, recently, I'm a bit insecure about what I believe.) I want to know what other people love. It's not a sport, and it doesn't get a lot of recognition, but it's my thing, it's my passion. And I know that. And that's great.

Revelations and Incorrect Statements

When I went to the NHS induction Thursday, Ms. Enterline was the speaker. I never had her as a teacher, but I was supposed to. If she would have stayed, maybe I would have taken creative writing? Regardless, he speech was beautiful. Perhaps it was very typical, but I was still enlightened. (The same enlightened as babies discovering toes.) The truth is that they always had toes, since they were born, but the reality is that they never knew it.

She said the truth is that truth doesn't exist. In middle school I had a huge fight with Spencer Ashmun on the same topic. He said everyone had their own reality and I didn't agree. Now, I understand. After reading and learning about Vietnam, and hearing Enterline's speech, I believe it. It doesn't matter what the truth may or may not be, the reality is people believe what's true to them.


Also, what else, I haven't researched enough, but I think God has changed. I think he's had to because people change. The human race is nothing like it was centuries ago. The Old Testament isn't the same as the New. God had to change his relation status with humans--going from God, to Jesus, to the Holy Spirit. It seems only logical that He has changed to some degree.

Also, I should note some years ago, I had a huge fight/discussion with my uncle about whether or not God has changed. He said God has, I said He hasn't. I should apologize for that.

I should find someone to talk to about this.